Choosing My Memories

rainbow

I’ve never ever thought of myself as someone who crumbles under pressure.  Rising to the occasion and coming through in a hard spot are attributes of my self-identity; vain though it may be, I think of myself as someone who is generally good to have around in a bad situation.

For the past several months, though, waiting to hear if we’d be going to England or if the whole thing would fall through took over every square inch of my brain that wasn’t dedicated to necessities like breathing and parenting.  To be honest, even the parenting slid a bit in the last weeks when it seemed like after waiting for months on end, everything was going to fall apart and we wouldn’t be moving at all. 

Finally getting the confirmation that we are going has lifted a huge weight off of me and I feel like I’m taking deep breaths for the first time in ages.  In the end, this experience will be a good one for our family, but it took it’s toll; I didn’t even realize how crippled by anxiety I had become or how burdened I was by months and months of living in limbo until suddenly I felt hopeful again. 

Getting over-excited about potential is kind of my thing.  But this process — this whole nine long months of waiting and second-guessing — beat me down and made me skittish.  I was afraid to get excited, afraid to embrace it, afraid to let myself hope. 

It’s strange to look back over a period of your life and realize that your personality quite literally changed.  Optimism took a beating this year, and instead of looking ahead with excited anticipation to what will most certainly be a defining experience, I spent months waiting with bated breath for it all to go wrong.  I hate that.

I don’t want to look back on this time and have my memories be tinged with difficulty and negativity.  We’ve waited too long and wanted to do this for too many months and years to have it be anything less than happy and rewarding. 

So I’m re-writing my memory now.  I’m reverting to my inherent tendency for delirious excitement and overly hopeful certainty that everything is going to be perfect.  I’m calling this whole long waiting period the prelude to the grand adventure, and I know it will make the fun times to come that much sweeter for having had to wait so long to get to them.

It’s my choice how I look back and remember this time in our lives, and I’m choosing to remember it with joy.  Adventure is waiting for us and I can’t wait to meet it.

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