Tag Archives: homesick

Almost Gone

We have about four months left until we leave England.  Depending on the day — really depending on the hour or the minute — I am in turns devastated or elated about this.

We love it here. We love our house and our neighborhood and our friends.  We love the kids’ sports and the closeness of London and the ease with which we can travel all over Europe.  We especially love the school.  Oh man, do we love the school.  We don’t want to leave this school AT ALL. 

I am so sad when I think about it.

But we’re going HOME!  Where we have tons of friends to see and family so close by and my youngest sister is having another baby and she’s due right after we get back.  And we’ll be in my favorite place on earth (New England), close to my favorite city on earth (Boston).  And there are beaches only 15 minutes away all summer and skiing only 2.5 hours away all winter. 

I am so excited when I think about it.

And therein lies the trouble: I can’t reconcile the two wildly different emotions that pop up every time I think about moving.

So I’ve stopped trying.  I have to be simultaneously broken hearted that we are leaving and overjoyed that we’re going home.  That’s just the way it is.

I will be a soggy mess of tears and hugs and regret for probably the last month we’re here.  Certainly the last week of school is going to be a bit of a mess.  I will cry every day.  The children will be embarrassed.  I already know it.  I will be devastated saying goodbye to our friends here and this lovely old farmhouse and the fairy tale garden.  I will not want to leave.

And then I will get off the plane in Boston and be so filled with happiness that I am really, truly moving home that it will feel like my chest will pop open. 

I know, though, that I will always be homesick for this place and the amazing adventures and opportunities we had here. 

The more places you live, the more little pieces of yourself you have to leave behind, and the more you carry a constant sense of missing somewhere even though you may love the place you are now.  I’ll always miss our neighborhood in Virginia, and I will always miss this home in England, no matter how thrilled I am to be finally going “home” (the place I missed for the last 15 years, every day since I left).

The task then is to remember and appreciate without sadness or remorse and to just be glad for what you had and what it taught you. 

Still working on that.

Finding Home

DSC_3963I wonder lately where my children will think of as home when they’re grown up.  My boys were all born and lived in the D.C. area their whole lives until two months ago.  Bridget was born in Boston and lived there for six months when she was a baby, but if you ask her where she’s “from”, she always says quite specifically that she was born in Boston and lives in D.C.

With my family in Massachusetts and Matt’s in D.C., we’re constantly leaving “home” to “go home”. And now we’re in England for at least two years, and we’ll make friends and memories that will tie us here as well. I hope we’re not confusing the children, making it harder for them to identify home. 

For all the years we lived in D.C., I missed my people in Massachusetts: my family and the friends I’ve known my entire life.  No matter how long I live somewhere else, no matter how many friends I make or how much I love wherever we are, that will always be home.  I’ve lived in state of perpetual homesickness for over a decade.  

I still miss everyone in Massachusetts, but now I also miss my friends and neighbors and the family we left behind in D.C.  Living here in England, far away from all my people– my Boston people and my D.C. people– is just another phase of missing the ones I love and the places that feel familiar.  It’s nothing new, but it’s just not easy to have your heart split among so many places. 

Sometimes I think it would have been so much simpler if I’d never left Massachusetts, had just stayed there and lived there my whole life, because then all the people I love would be in one place and I’d never miss anyone.  But leaving home brought me to Matt, and that was a step well worth taking.  Joy and sorrow are intertwined in this life, and you can’t have one without the other. 

Eventually we’ll go back to the States and then I’ll miss England.  My heart will forever be divided among the places I’ve lived and loved and the people I wish I could just gather together and put in one place so I can have them all at once. 

It’s hard leaving pieces of yourself behind everywhere you go.

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