Tag Archives: waiting

Choosing My Memories

rainbow

I’ve never ever thought of myself as someone who crumbles under pressure.  Rising to the occasion and coming through in a hard spot are attributes of my self-identity; vain though it may be, I think of myself as someone who is generally good to have around in a bad situation.

For the past several months, though, waiting to hear if we’d be going to England or if the whole thing would fall through took over every square inch of my brain that wasn’t dedicated to necessities like breathing and parenting.  To be honest, even the parenting slid a bit in the last weeks when it seemed like after waiting for months on end, everything was going to fall apart and we wouldn’t be moving at all. 

Finally getting the confirmation that we are going has lifted a huge weight off of me and I feel like I’m taking deep breaths for the first time in ages.  In the end, this experience will be a good one for our family, but it took it’s toll; I didn’t even realize how crippled by anxiety I had become or how burdened I was by months and months of living in limbo until suddenly I felt hopeful again. 

Getting over-excited about potential is kind of my thing.  But this process — this whole nine long months of waiting and second-guessing — beat me down and made me skittish.  I was afraid to get excited, afraid to embrace it, afraid to let myself hope. 

It’s strange to look back over a period of your life and realize that your personality quite literally changed.  Optimism took a beating this year, and instead of looking ahead with excited anticipation to what will most certainly be a defining experience, I spent months waiting with bated breath for it all to go wrong.  I hate that.

I don’t want to look back on this time and have my memories be tinged with difficulty and negativity.  We’ve waited too long and wanted to do this for too many months and years to have it be anything less than happy and rewarding. 

So I’m re-writing my memory now.  I’m reverting to my inherent tendency for delirious excitement and overly hopeful certainty that everything is going to be perfect.  I’m calling this whole long waiting period the prelude to the grand adventure, and I know it will make the fun times to come that much sweeter for having had to wait so long to get to them.

It’s my choice how I look back and remember this time in our lives, and I’m choosing to remember it with joy.  Adventure is waiting for us and I can’t wait to meet it.

Delayed

mirror imageOur big move, which was supposed to have taken place this week, has been delayed.  Right now we’re looking at the end of July as the official move dates, but until we have purchased plane tickets, I don’t think I’ll believe any “official” dates to be actually official.  Le sigh.

It’s fine — thinking we only had six weeks to purge, pack, and move, I got so much done during the month of May that our to-do list is very manageable now.  Although with an extra four weeks to get ready, I keep adding little things to the list that just wouldn’t have been possible to get done before.  Matt loves that.

We’ve been eight months in limbo, though. 

That’s a long time to not want to really plan too far in advance, to put off trips, projects, and purchases because you don’t know where you’ll be living. 

And it’s anxiety-inducing as well.  I have hit the point though, where my attitude is basically “Eff It, We’ll See What Happens”.  I guess, if nothing else, I’ve learned that my tolerance for major stress lasts approximately seven months before I give in and stop caring.  Good to know? 

Either way, we’re still planning to leave this summer.  God help me if we get pushed back into Fall and I have to bring the kids to school here. 

I haven’t registered Q for kindergarten, I wonder if I should?  Eff It.  We’ll see what happens.

Birthday Gifts

HBD adventures

My birthday is tomorrow.

Last week the kids asked me what I wanted for my birthday — and because I am luckier than I deserve to be, I could think of no one thing I really wanted. 

I mean, new shoes are always nice, but I don’t even know which ones I’d want.  I’m sure I could FIND a pair if I looked online for three seconds, but the point is that there’s nothing I really, honestly WANT right now.

Except one thing: to know, finally, if we’re moving or not.

It’s been six months of limbo.  Six months of not knowing if we should sign the kids up for sports and activities.  Six months of not planning trips.  Six months of putting off house projects because our “To Rent” project list is very different from our long-term home plans.

Six months is a long time to wait.  A long time to not know if we’re going or we’re staying.

So all I want is an answer. 

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a YES.  I want a YES.  But at least a NO takes me out of limbo.

I didn’t say that to the kids — that’s more than they need to process, and despite the fact that they too are waiting for an answer, they’re not thinking about it on a daily basis.  For them, moving isn’t a tangible, understandable event.  If it happens, they’ll go.  If it doesn’t, fine—they have baseball and swim team and plenty of other adventures to look forward to, and they’ll never regret not having gone.

Instead I told them I’d love some new pajamas or a gift certificate for a mani/pedi, both of which would be great gifts.

But I’m just sending this out to the universe here and now in the hopes that someone is listening:  All I want for my birthday is an answer. 

Distracting Myself

backyard tree

You guys, we’ve been waiting three months to find out when we’re moving.

And we still. don’t. know.

Frustrating doesn’t even touch it.  Not by a long shot.

I’m trying really hard to be Zen about it.  If we’re going, we’ll go…and until we know we’re going, we just have to function as if we’re not going.  BLAH BLAH BLAH, whatever.

It’s not working.  I’m losing my ever-loving mind.

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